The Form Shoppe
A student (Andy Rivkin) walks into the academic office, Pam (Janet McLarty-Schroeder) is seated behind a desk.
- Andy: Good Morning.
- Pam: Good morning. Welcome to the Academic Office! What can I do for you?
- Andy: Well, I was looking through the student handbook, and realized
that I was behind on my paperwork. I need to take care of a few
things.
- Pam: Well, that's what we're here for. What do you need?
- Andy: I need the Foreign Language Requirement Fullfillment Form.
- Pam: I'm afraid we're fresh out.
- Andy: Oh, never mind, how about Application for Candidacy?
- Pam: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, we get it
on Monday.
- Andy: Tish tish. No matter. Well, the Declaration of Minor Form,
please.
- Pam: Ah! It's beeeen on order, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
morning.
- Andy: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, a Stores Order Form?
- Pam: Sorry.
- Andy: Second year meeting Form?
- Pam: Normally yes. Today the van broke down.
- Andy: Ah. Class Evaluation Forms?
- Pam: Sorry.
- Andy: Missing Inventory Form?
- Pam: Can't find it.
- Andy: Stolen goods report?
- Pam: A11 taken.
- Andy: Drop/Add Form, perhaps?
- Pam: Ah! We have a Drop/Add Form.
- Andy: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
- Pam: It's... ah, it's not a good copy
- Andy: Oh, I don't mind.
- Pam: Well,.. It's a very bad copy, actually.
- Andy: No matter. I'll scan it in and darken it up! Perfect!
- Pam: I...think it's a bit worse than you'll like it.
- Andy: I don't care how bad it is. Hand it over with all speed.
- Pam: Oooooooooohhh!
- Andy: What now?
- Pam: The courier has eaten it.
- Andy: Has he.
- Pam: She, sir.
- Andy: You...do *have* some forms, don't you?
- Pam: (brightly) Of course. It this is the Academic Office. We've got-
- Andy: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
- Pam: Fair enough.
- Andy: Uuuuuh, Street Address.
- Pam: Yes?
- Andy: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
- Pam: Oh! I thought you were talking to me.
Pam Street, that's my name.
- Andy: Aah, how about Journal Club Evaluation Forms?
- Pam: Well, we don't get much call for those around here.
- Andy: Not much ca--It's the single most popular form in the lab!
- Pam: Not 'round here.
- Andy: and what IS the most popular form 'round here?
- Pam: Room Request.
- Andy: IS it.
- Pam: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this lab.
- Andy: Is it.
- Pam: It's our number one best seller, sir!
- Andy: I see. Uuh...Room Request, eh?
- Pam: Right, sir.
- Andy: All right. Okay.
"have you got any?" he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
- Pam: I'll have a look, sir..
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
- Andy: It's not much of a Academic Office, is it?
- Pam: Finest in the University!
- Andy: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
- Pam: Well, it's so clean!
- Andy: It's certainly uncontaminated by Forms....
- Pam: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Graduate College petition forms.
- Andy: Would it be worth it?
- Pam: Could be....
- Andy: (slowly) have you got any Petition forms?
- Pam: No.
- Andy: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have
posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
- Pam: Yes?
- Andy: (deliberately) have you in fact got any forms here at all.
- Pam: Yes.
- Andy: Really?
(pause)
- Pam: No. Not really.
- Andy: You haven't.
- Pam: No. Not a one. I'd like to help you son, but you'll have
to talk to Joan, or maybe try the business office. They
usually have forms on Thursdays!
- Andy: (shaking his head, muttering softly to himself as he walks out)
Thursday is it? I could never get the hang of Thursdays.