LPL Update: December 8, 1995
VIDEO: What people were really doing during the Fire Drill: Academic office watching movies in the lecture hall, Tim Swindle and Dave Kring playing basketball in the halls, Uwe Fink playing Cat's Cradle, Jonathan Lunine and Carolyn Porco plot to take over the Alps, Don Hunten and Ann Sprague grin from behind a closing door.
- Chris: (in announcer's voice) And now, it's the LPL Update, with your LPL News Crew: anchors Barb Cohen and Jen Grier, sports with Doug Dawson, weather with the Weather Elf, and the LPL grad student correspondents.
- Barb: Thanks, Chris. Lets go right to Doug for the early sports
- Doug: No sports.
- Barb: Okay, how about the early weather reports?
- Doug: No weather. The Weather Elf didn't show up tonight.
- Andy: (runs in) stuff about plane parallel atmospheres, etc.
- Barb: oooookay. Let's see what's news at LPL.
- Jen: Our top story tonight is the continued negligence of evacuation procedures during Lab fire drills. It has been brought to our attention that not everyone leaves the building during these potentially life-threatening situations. We've secretly staged a fire drill and set up hidden cameras. We go to David Trilling for the story.
VIDEO: New and Improved Instant Data Crystals / Huygen's Heroes / 2001
- Barb: Thanks, David. In other news, LPL has been assigned a new address. Instead of mailing to just the Department of Planetary Sciences, mail should now be addressed to P.O. Box 1629, University of Arizona, 85721. Let's go back to Doug now for a sports update.
- Doug: We have one game-in-progress to report--Tim Swindle 0, Dave Kring 0.
- Barb: And now a word from our sponsors.
LIVE SKIT: Pam, Pam, Pam
- Jen: And now for something completely different......
VIDEO: This year for Easter, we hear that our beloved director received a number of gifts from the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny reported back to us that Mike hasn't actually found all his easter eggs. We're therefore going undercover to find...the missing eggs. (Students enter Mike's office, look for eggs, instead find a large number of beer cans.) Well, looks like only the Easter Bunny knows where the missing eggs are.
- Jen: LPL News now presents another gripping expose--lets go to Doug Dawson
in the field.
VIDEO: Jim Scotti is James Bond, 007 / Beavis and Butthead (played by Mike and Jay) / Dyanamics / Lockheed Martin commercial
- Barb: It's time for this year's lottery draw!
- Kim: Welcome to this year's NASA Proposal Lottery, live from the NASA Selection Center in Washington! Just a refresher on the rules: If your proposal contains all six of this year's hot buzzwords, you're a winner! And don't throw that proposal away if you didn't win; there's some nice consolation prizes if you match only five. (Draw from fishbowl full of pingpong balls with various jargon written on them) This year's words are: fractal, resources, spectrophotometric, neural net, integrated, and space weathering.
- Ron: (jumps up and runs to front) I won! I won! My proposal is titled An integrated fractal neural net procedure for spectrophotometric identification of resources created by space weathering!
- Kim: Congratulations to all this year's winners!
- Jen: This just in--the LPL address has changed. Do not use the PO Box number, instead, address deliveries to 1629 E. University Blvd. University of Arizona. DO NOT use punctuation in this address. In Science news
today, the Galileo probe sent data back to Earth stations. That data is: 1.
And now a word from our sponsors.
VIDEO: Bring Out Your Dead
- Jen: (puts Dyanamics book up on table). A fine book. During that
commercial break, we received the startling news that Vesta is the Eucrite
parent body. LPL Update recently unearthed some historical film from the
old imagery center. in the dim ages....overwork, stress, funding cuts....grad
students dying by the 10's....1et's roll the clip.
VIDEO: Projects SPOOF (Science,
Planetary, for Obstreticians, Ova, and Fetuses) and
CORPSE (COurse for the Recently Passed in Science Education)
- Barb: Fascinating footage. With us tonight is LPL News analyst Andy Rivkin to give us some inside information about the LPL Faculty Search.
- Andy: Now that the OJ trial is over, the attention of the Lab has turned to
the equally long, equally gripping, and equally fruitless Faculty Search. But
what is taking this process so long? Tonight, we have the Top Ten Reasons that the Faculty Search is Taking So Long.
- Barb: I recently had the opportunity to participate in a wonderful educational program here in the Lab. I convinced LPL News to run a story about the fine projects taking place here so that others could be aware of these opportunities as well. We go to Karen Meyers in the field.
LIVE SKIT: The Form Shoppe
- Jen: Let's check in with Doug for the sports scores.
- Doug: Still Dave 0, Tim 0.
- Jen: This just in--the LPL address has changed again. Please continue to use the street address but use all appropriate punctuation. Also include the building name--that's Kuiper comma Space comma Sciences comma
- Barb: And now for something completely different.
VIDEO: 6 Signs of the Apocalypse: Mike Drake goes on the wagon; Bob Strom decides the future looks rosy; Pacheco cancels football game for LPL Meet Yourself; Bill Boynton is gay; Dave Krin becomes Baywatch lifeguard; Ann Sprague gets pregnant.
- Jen: The big news of the year happened just weeks ago, when William "Gramps" Merline graduated from our program after 13 years. This
unprecedented event was interpreted by some as a sure sign of the
Apocalypse. LPL News now shows you what the other 6 signs might be.
- Barb: We've received yet another address update. Please use the following coordinates for delivery to LPL: 32 north latitude, 111 west longitude. That's the news tonight. We'd like to thank everyone who participated for being such good sports. LPL Update was conceived, produced and directed
by the LPL Grad Students, who take sole responsibility for its contents.
Happy holidays from all of us! Stay tuned for behind-the-scenes shots as
we show you what it takes to make the skits.
- Barb, Jen,Doug: Good night.
- Doug: And the final score in that game was--Dave 1, Tim 0.
Quicktime Movies of some skits:
- Kring vs Swindle, KCO, 2001
- Scotti as Bond, Beavis and Butthead,
Dyanamics, In Utero Teaching, Kring joins Baywatch, Gay Boynton
- Merline Sweet 16, Burnt Van, Faculty Skit
- LPL Sports and Weather, Spam
- Galileo Datum, Top Ten Faculty Delays,
"We Are Doug"