Skits 1995: Pam, Pam, Pam

The Pam (SPAM) Sketch

Scene: The Academic Office. Bette (Cynthia Phillips) seated at desk. Two students (Josh Emery and Lisa McFarlane) enter. Various students are seated somewhere nearby, maybe with Viking helmets on.

Josh: Hi Bette! We need to speak to someone about our offices.
Bette: Well, you could talk to me and then talk to Pam; or you might talk to me, Joan and then Pam; or perhaps me, Joan, Mike and Pam; Pam, Joan, Mike and Pam; Pam, me, Pam, Pam, Joan, and Pam; Pam, Mike, Pam, Pam, Joan Pam tomato and Pam; Vikings (starting to chant): Pam Pam Pam Pam...
Bette: ...Pam Pam Pam me and Pam; Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam baked beans Pam Pam Pam... Vikings (singing): Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam!
Bette: ...or go over to Gould Simpson, take the elevator to the 9th floor, talk to Gene's secretary, have a petition signed and then talk to Pam.
Lisa: Look, Pam isn't IN today, is there anyway we can do this without talking to Pam?
Bette: Well, there's Pam me Mike and Pam, you wouldn't have to talk to Pam too much for that.
Lisa: I don't want to talk to Pam at all!
Josh: Why can't we have the you, Joan, Pam, and Mike?
Lisa: THAT'S got Pam in it!
Josh: Hasn't got as much Pam in it as Pam, Bette, Mike and Pam, has it?
Vikings: Pam Pam Pam Pam (crescendo through next few lines)
Lisa: Could you do the you, Joan Pam and Mike without the Pam then?
Bette: Urgghh!
Lisa: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? We can't talk to Pam!
Vikings: Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
Bette: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
Bette: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Silly Couriers! You can't have me Joan Pam and Mike without the Pam.
Lisa: (shrieks): But Pam isn't here!
Josh: Dont worry, I'll talk to Pam for you. I love it. I'm having Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Mike Pam Pam Pam and Pam! Vikings (singing): Pam Pam Pam Pam. Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
Bette: Shut up!! Mike just left for lunch.
Josh: Well could I have her Pam instead of the Mike then?
Bette: You mean Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (singing elaborately) Pam Pam Pam Pam. Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam! Pam spa-a-a-a-a-am Pam spa-a-a-a-a-am Pam. Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Pam Pam Pam Pam!