The Pam (SPAM) Sketch
Scene: The Academic Office. Bette (Cynthia Phillips) seated at desk. Two students (Josh Emery and Lisa McFarlane) enter. Various students are seated somewhere nearby, maybe with Viking helmets on.
- Josh: Hi Bette! We need to speak to someone about our offices.
- Bette: Well, you could talk to me and then talk to Pam; or you might talk
to me, Joan and then Pam; or perhaps me, Joan, Mike and Pam;
Pam, Joan, Mike and Pam; Pam, me, Pam, Pam, Joan, and Pam; Pam,
Mike, Pam, Pam, Joan Pam tomato and Pam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Pam Pam Pam Pam...
- Bette: ...Pam Pam Pam me and Pam; Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam baked
beans Pam Pam Pam...
Vikings (singing): Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam!
- Bette: ...or go over to Gould Simpson, take the elevator to the 9th
floor, talk to Gene's secretary, have a petition signed and then
talk to Pam.
- Lisa: Look, Pam isn't IN today, is there anyway we can do this
without talking to Pam?
- Bette: Well, there's Pam me Mike and Pam, you wouldn't have to talk to
Pam too much for that.
- Lisa: I don't want to talk to Pam at all!
- Josh: Why can't we have the you, Joan, Pam, and Mike?
- Lisa: THAT'S got Pam in it!
- Josh: Hasn't got as much Pam in it as Pam, Bette, Mike and Pam, has it?
- Vikings: Pam Pam Pam Pam (crescendo through next few lines)
- Lisa: Could you do the you, Joan Pam and Mike without the Pam then?
- Bette: Urgghh!
- Lisa: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? We can't talk to Pam!
- Vikings: Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
- Bette: Shut up!
- Vikings: Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
- Bette: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Silly Couriers! You can't have me Joan
Pam and Mike without the Pam.
- Lisa: (shrieks): But Pam isn't here!
- Josh: Dont worry, I'll talk to Pam for you. I love it.
I'm having Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Mike Pam Pam
Pam and Pam!
Vikings (singing): Pam Pam Pam Pam. Lovely Pam! Wonderful Pam!
- Bette: Shut up!! Mike just left for lunch.
- Josh: Well could I have her Pam instead of the Mike then?
- Bette: You mean Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam... (but it is too late and
the Vikings drown her words)
- Vikings: (singing elaborately) Pam Pam Pam Pam. Lovely Pam! Wonderful
Pam! Pam spa-a-a-a-a-am Pam spa-a-a-a-a-am Pam. Lovely Pam!
Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Lovely Pam! Pam Pam
Pam Pam!