Jen: Welcome to the First Agrademy Awards, 1996!
Doug: Actually, it's the 4th, but this is the first time we're inviting and awarding non-graduate students.
Jen: We're awarding the prestigious "Grad-E" this evening to worthy recipients for egregiousness of all types. Since the Grad of E is equal to zero, I think we should give you nothing.
Doug: But instead, we'll be giving you this fine certificate for your achievement. Nominees are voted on by all 17,000 members of the Agrademy, and results are tabulated by the prestigious accounting firm of the Business Office. The names of the winners are sealed hermetically and promptly lost by the Academic Office. The new winners are generated using Instant Data(TM), proud sponsors of tonight's awards.
Though the heyday of the Western is long past, its themes stand eternal in the world and hereat the Lab. What scene can match a showdown for pure drama?
The nominees for Best Western are:
And the winner is : How the Lab was Won! Let's roll that clip!
As Planetary Scientists, Science Fiction holds a dear place in many of our hearts. Many times we've seen the predictions of yesterday turn into the failed proposals of today, but still we return to televised science fiction, if only to mock it.
The nominees for best Science Fiction TV Show are:
And the winner is : The Xe Files! Let's roll that clip!
Of course, the silver screen gives us a much larger canvas to view the failed promise of a Goldin future. But we can make our own magic, and here at LPL where fiction can be published as science, we recognize the best Science Fictionfilm.
The nominees for best Science Fiction Film are:
And the winner is : Lab Wars! Let's roll that clip!
Doug: Now let's hear a word from our sponsors.
(Cut to Hair Club For Faculty, then Jokipii and Meyers)
Doug: Welcome back to the Agrademy Awards. We're now on the category of Best Top 10 List.
Since humanity first developed the capacity for abstract thought, we have been compelled to organize our thoughts into Top 10 Lists, a marriage of language and mathematics. The oldest recorded Top 10 List was Moses' "Top 10 Things God Doesn't Want You To Do". The fertile field then lay fallow until it was plowed by David Letterman. We here follow his footsteps and run the idea into the ground.
The nominees for best Top 10 List are:
And the winner is : Top 10 Directives from Mike Drake for the next SOFIA visit! Here's Andy Rivkin to read the winning list.
An arena where competitors meet in savage conflict, losing their cool, their dignity, and perhaps even their lives in the quest for material wealth. Is it the ancient Roman gladiatorial combat? No! It's today's modern game show!
The nominees for best Game Show are:
And the winner is : The Newlygrad Game, with our host Andy Rivkin!
We have only one nominee for "Best Existentialist Art Film", thank God. It can be clearly recognized as an art film by its minimalist soundtrack, static, skewed camera angles, innovative use of repetition and innovative use of repetition to establish the ennui of a meaningless world.
And the winner is: Waiting For Godotobed! Let's roll the clip!
Jen: Now as a change of pace, some members of the Agrademy would like to share some recent experiences.(Euro '96 slides)
Doug: Let's take a moment to hear from another of our sponsors.
Video: Doug: Now as we approach the end, we get to some of our most prestigious awards.
Can the drama we experience in real life match the dramas we see on the big screen? Yes. Well, no. Well, maybe. Answer hazy, try again later. In any case,
The nominees for best Drama are:
And the winner is : The Gradfather! Let's roll that clip!
In cinematography, the "auteur" theory holds that it is the vision and will of the director along which determines the quality of the final product. At LPL, the director does no such thing.
The nominees for best Director are:
Each year the energy and vitality of live skits must competer with the... er... polished perfection of the pre-recorded skits. Although video skits afford the opportunity for background music and computer-generated scenes, only in live skits can we throw things at you.
The nominees for best Live Skit are:
And the winner is : What Really Happens at Faculty Meetings! Here we present that skit for you.
Jen: Tonight it is my distinct privelege and pleasure to present the Agrademy's Lifetime Achievement Award. This year's recipient has continually inspired us all. Particularly moving is his recent adaptation of a beloved old TV classic from the 1970's.
Let's roll that clip.
The award is presented to:
Doug: Thank you. This is the end. We'll run the 13 minutes of video once more so that you get another chance to hear everything.
Quicktime Movies of some skits: