Holiday Skits 1997

Offstage voice: Public access channel 82 now brings you NASA Reject. NASA Reject is proud to bring you all the latest news from space.

Podium: Welcome to the Pathfinder Press Conference.
P1: The mission has been going extremely well, and we're all extremely excited at how extremely good our first results are.
P2: We're excited today to be able to show you our latest set of images in what we've called our "Faculty Pan."

Walk in with Monster Pan, with faculty heads taped to it.

P2: Identifies landmarks as shown on the poster.
Podium: And now we'll take a few questions from the audience.
Q1: Do you have an idea of how old some of these features are?
P1: Yes, we think that they range from relatively young to quite ancient, although the majority are on the rather old side.
Q2: Doesn't that feature look like a face? Is it a sign of Martian intelligence?
P2: No, that is an artifact of the lighting conditions at the time this pan was taken. In fact, under different lighting conditions, that feature looks like this : (show picture of a rock).
Q3: Have you found any evidence of John Lewis?
P1: *sighs* No, but we'll keep looking.
Podium: I'm afraid that's all the time we have for questions today. Our next press conference is scheduled in 5 minutes.

Video: Impact Catering, Church of Chyba

Podium: We're back live with the latest results from Galileo.
Andy as Galileo: That's right, I'm Galileo. Gives Galileo journal club.

Podium: That's some nice work. However, we're here to discuss the latest results from the Galileo mission to Jupiter. I'll first introduce Zibi Turtle to start us off.
Zibi: Thanks. I'm thrilled to present some of the beautiful images that Galileo has returned for us. (starts slides)
Cynthia: runs down from audience Don't you know these people aren't supposed to figure any of this science out?
Zibi: But... Cynthia:You know the drill.
Zibi and Cynthia put on sunglasses. Cynthia zaps conference people and audience with laser.
Cynthia: And now back to our regularly scheduled NASA Reject programming.

Video: Discovery proposals, Instant Advisor Crystals, Be All You Can Be.

Podium: We interrupt our programming now to bring you live, something completely different.

Andy as Peter Smith: The Mars Hairfinder results.
Podium: And now back to our exclusive NASA Reject story on Discovery proposals.

Video: Pirlheart

Joe: And now, we bring you live coverage of the final Discovery Selection round. It's the Faculty Feud! On the red team, we have Jay Melosh's's group, proposing Rick Greenberg's Science education for ExtraTerrestrial Intelligence mission! On the Blue team, we have Jonathan Lunine and his group's Orbiting Mind-Control project! And now, here's your host, Doug "Richard" Dawson!
Doug: Thank you. We surveyed Hal Larson's 105 class and here are the top 5 responses. Name a planet!
Red 1: Vulcan.
Doug: Play goes to the red team!
Red 2: Krypton. (X)
Red 3: Planet of the Apes.
Rick: (XX)
Red 1: Krypton, huh? How about...helium.
Red 2: Earth. (XXX)
Doug: That's three strikes, and the Blue team gets a chance to steal!!
Blue team: confers Mars. (XXX)

Doug: Sorry, the last answer was Cleveland. Round one goes to the Red Team! On to Round two! We surveyed 100 LPL workers and here are their top seven responses. What is that hanging in the Atrium?
Red 1: Some weird kind of modern art.
: that's only one point. Blue team, can you give a higher answer?
Blue 1: Mir.
Doug: Play goes to Blue team!
Blue 2: The air handler.
Blue 3: Mars Observer.
Jonathan: (X).
Blue 1: I have no idea.
Blue 2: The Kring?
Blue 3: A pinwheel (XX).
Jonathan: (XXX).
Doug: One answer left! The Red team has the chance to steal it!
Red team: confers, gives Rick a card
Rick: It symbolizes man's desire...blah blah blah."
Doug: Red Team wins!

Offstage voice: NASA Reject now concludes its broadcast day. Public access channel 82 now brings you the LPL grad student chorale with its holiday sing-along.

Quicktime Movies of some skits:

Impact Catering, Church of Chyba, Cynical Rivkin, Instant Advisor
Mars Observer Observer, Lunar Lithobraking, Map the Whole Damn Planet, Porco, Conarro, Lunine fighting, PIRLheart
Various Pictures
Galileo Results
Rivkin as Peter Smith
The 5 Days of Fieldtrip