Holiday Skits 1999

Top Ten News Items from the Future

Lights up to full (Classroom), screen up

Scene: Grad students are gathered in 308 for a New Year's Eve Party: Props: New Years decorations, hats, cups, empty champagne bottles

Student A: "Happy New Year, everyone!"

All: "Happy New Year!"

Student A: (Running in) "Guys, I just saw Drake and Strittmatter coming this way! Hide!"

Everyone hides as the faculty members walk in.

Faculty Risk Skit

Props:  Big signs that say Drake, Strittmatter, and Levy, with string so 
they can be worn,  and lots of beer.

Strittmatter, Drake, and Levy are sitting around the Visualizer.  Large labels with their names are attached so ppl have some fucking clue who they're supposed to be.  I still don't think the faculty have a clue though.

Drake:  I still don't understand why we had to have this meeting on new year's eve, we should be out drinking beer.

Strittmatter:  Instead we're in drinking beer . . .

Levy:  I brought you here now because I'm busier and more important than both of you and I wanted to make sure you knew that.

Strittmatter:  Well lets get started already.

Levy:  We'll start by playing a game.

Drake:  A game?  What a waste!  I'll bet my graduate students aren't sitting around on the eve of the millenium playing board games.  We should be having more fun than they do, pass me another beer.

Strittmatter hands Mike a beer.

Levy:  Here it is, its a modified version of the world-conquering game Risk, but I'm sure you'll catch on to the modifications quickly.

Turn on Visualizer to show board

Strittmatter:  Hey wait a minute, this looks like a map of campus. . .

Levy:  White pieces are neutral, I'll be red, Mike's Blue, and Peter's yellow.  I've already set us up with starting territories.

Strittmatter:  Hey, no fair you have your own continent already.

Levy:  Alright then I go first.  I get an army of 15 graduate students, which is equivalent to 1 postdoc.  I'll put it in Gould-Simpson, and I won't attack anywhere.  Your turn, Mike.

Puts his postdoc in Gould-Simpson.

Drake:  Hmmmmm.  Well, I get 5 new graduate students to start with, and I'll just set them up with offices in the closet for now, go ahead Peter.

Crams the 5 new students into the corner of LPL.

Strittmatter:  Well, I still don't think its fair that you have that continent all to yourself, Gene.  I'm going to take my 5 students and move into the mall to attack you.

Moves 5 into the mall.

Levy:  Uh oh, bad move.  You forgot that what was formerly the Mall is now the Muddy Hole of Death.  You lose your students.  With my new armies this turn I'll trade in my postdoc for a faculty member.

Replaces his piece.

Drake gives himself 5 more grads for his turn.

Drake:  Ha!  We don't have enough room, we have to expand over here, to Gittings.  I'll attack with 30 graduate students.

Strittmatter:  Uh, Mike, I don't think that's a good idea, it looks like neutral has that pretty well defended. . .

Drake:  That's why we're sending in the graduate students first!  They're good for cannon fodder.

Rolls the dice.

Levy:  Another bad move, looks like you lose all your attackers and the neutrals only lose one undergraduate dance major.

Drake:  Oh.  Um, could you get me a beer, Gene?

Levy:  Ok.

Levy turns around to grab Drake a beer, and Drake switches the dice to a higher number.

Drake:  So are you sure I lost everything, sure seems to me that I won with that roll.

Strittmatter:  Points to Drake  HE CHEATED!!!!!

Drake:  Did not.

Strittmatter:  Did so.

Drake:  Did not.

Levy:  Alright, enough horsing around, your turn Peter.

Gets 5 new students

Strittmatter:  Ok, I'm going to attack Steward Observatory.

Drake:  But Steward is already yours!

Strittmatter:  Precisely!  There'll be no one to resist if I add onto my own building instead of taking up others' space!

Levy:  Well, I won't stop you.  I guess you win that battle.  I'm going to trade up my faculty member for a department head, now.

Switches piece

Drake:  Looks like there's nobody in Flandrau, I'll move in there with my 5 new students.  I think these students are way smarter than last years' anyway.

Strittmatter:  Ho, ho!  Trying to move onto my doorstep without my noticing, eh, well I'm going to attack your students in Flandrau.

Levy:  But Flandrau's useless to everyone, its in such an exposed position. Why are you two fighting over it?

Strittmatter rolls the dice.

Strittmatter:  Hmmm.  Well, it looks like we both lost that battle.

Drake gives Strittmatter an evil look and removes his pieces from Flandrau, as does Strittmatter.

Levy:  With my new production I'll convert my department head into a Dean.  Now I suppose I'll attack everyone, everywhere all at once with my Dean, and as long as I don't roll snake eyes . . .

Levy:  Good then, I win everything.

Strittmatter:  Wait just a minute, that's not even remotely fair.

Levy:  Don't be silly, the Dean's powers are written very clearly here in the revised rules.

Holds up a copy of the rules with the Dean rule scribbled in the margin.

Levy:  Well, then, I'm glad we had this little get-together.  I hope you've all learned something.  Now if you'll excuse me I have an appointment that was supposed to start 10 minutes ago. . .

Drake and Strittmatter stare at him for awhile, then start to leave, turn around and grab the beer, and take off.

The students come out of hiding.

Student A:  "Whew, that was close!"

Student B looks a little depressed.

Student C:  "Cheer up, it's almost New Year's"

Student B: "Sorry, I'm just worried about how I did in class this semester."

Student C:  "That doesn't matter, the world is going to end tonight."

Barb:  "The end of the millennium is next year, moron."

Student B: (Ignoring Barb) "Hmm, if we're all going to die, and it's clear we're all going to hell, I wonder what it will be like there."

Student C:  "Well, we could be forced to stay someplace that is freezing cold and filled with blood sucking insects."

Student B: "That would be nothing new.  Hmm.  I wonder what hell would be like for faculty."

Turn off lights - (slides setting)
Turn on vcr - play

Start Faculty Hell Video Skit

Stop vcr after Bob Strom

Lights: on full (Classroom)

Live Skits Part II

Scene:  A group of females sitting around chatting.
Props: Copy of Cosmo

Female 1: "Where did all the boys go?"

Female 2: "Someone brought Star Wars Flight Simulator, so they're all off blasting each other to pieces."

Female 3: "Well, I brought a copy of Cosmo, we could read it together."

Rachel: "(Takes the magazine from Female #3) Hey, it's the LPL special edition. (Flips through it) This is interesting.  It's a quiz that tells you where you belong in LPL."

Female 5:  "Read the questions."

Rachel: "Let's see:  (Reading) Where do you belong in LPL?  Are you the right kind of person for a Faculty position, an administrative staff position, or are you just a grad student?  

1) When I wake up in the morning to go to work, I put on
a) a nice shirt, skirt, and nylons make-up because I actually have to deal with people
b) a pink button down shirt and navy pants because I'm the director (also acceptable is a belt buckle from whatever mission you are working on)
c) 18 sweaters because it's -20 in my office

2) How much of the day do you actually work:
a) 5 minutes - because I had to do a problem set, give a Journal Club, and grade 500 "thought questions"
b) 5 minutes - because I was teaching, and in a faculty meeting
c) 5 minutes - because I was busy socializing, decorating, or reading e-mail

3) When I go to a conference I spend most of my time:
a) embarrassing myself in front of possible future employers and ruining all possibility of ever getting a job
b) I don't go
c) drinking with old drinking buddies and heckling student talks

3) The most important book on my bookshelf is
a) books - what's that?
b) mine
c) Windows for dummies

On a typical Friday night I
a) have a nice dinner with my family 
b)  am calling my lab to check in on  my students
c) have been drinking since 3:30

The last thing I wrote was
a) an e-mail to sys
b)   a grant proposal
b) a holiday reminder memo

When I'm at an LPL reception I'm:
a) scarfing as much free food as possible
b) schmoozing with the media
c) making myself useful

Female 1: "Oh! Read Carolyn Porco's article on 'Why Men Suck'"

Rachel: "Sorry, it's not in this issue."

Female 1:  "Let me see, (takes the magazine and flips through)  This is almost as good: It's the10 signs that your advisor is cheating on you:

Give yourself one point for each one you answer yes to, if you score as high as 7, he's definitely cheating.

1) He's spending more time with preceptors than with you.
2) He claims to be working late at night, but you know he isn't because you are always there.
3) He's not as enthusiastic about your data as he used to be.
4) He smells like someone else's lab.
5) You find strange code running on his machine.
6) Nothing you do seems to be good enough for him.
7) You get an e-mail addressed someone else.
8) There's someone's name in the acknowledgements who you don't know.
9) He has a headache when you want to talk about work.
10) He just doesn't yell at you like he used to.

Female 6: "Oh no, my advisor's cheating on me! (Runs off crying)"

Female 2: "Poor thing.  Hey, does that issue have the LPL Best and Worst Dressed?"

Female 3:  "(Takes magazine and flips through it) Here we go, LPL Fashion Show"  

Lights: Slides
vcr: play

LPL Fashion Show Video Skit After Gehrels:

Female 1: Where are the boys again?

LPL time capsule skit

Plasma Physics for Dummies

Gradco skit

stop vcr after Schaller's Gradco commercial lights: Classroom

Live Skit Part III

Scene:  Random students sitting around looking bored
Props: Board Game with Faculty Clue written on it in big letters.  Some cards and a board in the box.  

Student 1: " TV sucks.  Let's Play a game."

Student 2:  " I found this in the underground storage between here and the Planetarium.  It looks a little weird."

Holds up box cover "Faculty Clue"

Student 1: " Faculty Clue, I didn't think the faculty had a clue."

Set up a game, etc, call colors

Student 1 - roll dice: " 6, I made into (pause and look at board) lecture room 308"

Everyone look around the room

Student 2: "Now you can guess the murderer and weapon for 308"

Student 1: "Um, (look at cards).... Jay with the infrared heat lamp in 308."

Student 3: "Sorry I have the heat lamp card.  Not that this mechanism can kill anyone anyway."

Student 2: rolls dice: "10 - I get into the teaching lab.  I'll guess Hal Larson, with the Preceptors in the teaching lab."

Student3:  "Nope, I have the Hal Larson card."

Student 2:  "Let me see that.  That's not Hal Larson, that's the Carolyn Porco swimsuit edition Faculty Trading Card."

Student 3: "Oh, gimme that back.  (embarrassed) I'll just roll.  5 - I'm on a golf course. "

Student 2: "There's no golf course at LPL."

Student3: "Actually it's the Mars Garden - a sand trap. I'd have to guess Tim Swindle with a sand wedge in the Mars garden."

Student 1:  "Nope (show card), My turn (rolls) pi, that means I get to guess anything I want.  Tom Gehrels with a Near Earth Asteroid at Kitt Peak."

Student 3: "Asteroids don't kill people.  It's the shock wave and subsequent reduction in solar insolation that kills people."

Student 2: rolls:  "8 I'm in Pat Roemer's office.  I think it was Pat Roemer with her huge stacks of papers in her office."

Student 4:  Shouting from offstage "Hey guys, Dick Clark is on!"

Student 1: "Let's wrap this up.  Why don't we just guess who did it."

Student 2: "OK, I think it was Bob Strom with an R plot in the Space Imagery Center."

Student 3: "Mike with a eucrite on Vesta."

Student 1: "Uwe with germ warfare in his office."

Student 2 : "Change mine to Bob Strom with a global resurfacing event on Venus."

Student 3: "What a ridiculous concept.  Let's just see what it is."  

Student 1:   Looks at cards  "Lyle Broadfoot (confused) with the space shuttle in Gould Simpson??"

All:  "Who is that?"

Many more students come on stage with party hats and cups counting down to New Years:

Lights: Shut off right as they say 1: Off is one of the two triangular buttons, the bottom left one

All:  "6..5..4..3..2..1..Happy New Year  (die off in confusion as all the lights shut off)!!"

Student *: "Y2K compliant, my butt!"

Student #:  "Hey, did anyone make sure that the faculty were y2k compliant?"  

All:  "Oh, no!"

VCR: Start Y2K faculty video skit
Vcr: Stop after Tom Gehrels
Switch tape to Saving MPL skit

Saving MGS

Lights: Classroom

All: "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"

The End

Quicktime Movies of some skits:

Melosh's Hell, Too Sexy, Time Capsule, Nothing Built By Boynton
Brown's Planet X, Revolving Ciesla, Collins, and Radebaugh
Ekholm's Toilet Paper, Faculty Skit
Top Ten News Events, McEwen spanking Beyer
Campus Risk with Drake Cheating, Is Your Advisor Cheating on You?