Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: A drummer.

Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune? A: Shoot 4 of them. Q: What are burning oboes used for? A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A: Put a sheet of music in front of him. Q: How do you make him stop? A: Put notes on it!

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: You can tune a lawnmower.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency."

A viola Player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. After he'd got halfway through the cup he remembered that he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed to the carpark.... but it was too late..... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

During his first lesson the viola student was given four notes to practice on just the first string. The next week he was given four more notes to practice on just the second string. After that, the student never returned for another lesson. After a year the teacher called him and asked: "Aren't you going to continue with your studies?" "Oh yes, I've been meaning to," the student replied "but I just can't find the time. I've been getting so much work..."