The highlight of this year was the conversion of the north face of the new building, with its wall of windows, from a proverbial aquarium in to an actual aquarium (or, rather, a paper one, but who's quibbling). Long rolls of green paper were cut into seaweed strands on the 3rd floor. Construction paper fish, lobsters, starfish, and other sea creatures adorned every office window. The crowning glory was the immense shark covering 2 entire offices. Some of the fish are still up, 2 years later.
Memos:
To: My people.
From: Intergalactic Lord Levy, Keeper of the Realm, Protector of India and Man who watches the Watchmen
Re: New Building Room Allocation
As I'm sure you all know, today is the official opening of the new wing. Many of you have asked Us how the new offices will be allocated. After much study, we have decided on a policy.
We will follow the example of the State of Oklahoma. At 12:00 noon Friday we will cut a ribbon at the main entrance and offices will be occupied on a first-come first-served basis. An armed guard will be posted at the side entrance to LPL to ensure that no one sneaks in. Kent Wells has graciously volunteered to eschew his chance for a new office and serve that function in exchange for the shotgun in question.
An office will be considered occupied when some sort of improvement to the office is made, like shelves or desks. Farming is optional, but not necessary. If you choose to farm, remember that the State of Arizona requires a permit for indoor use of pesticides. Joan has these forms, but will send you to the Main Office for them anyhow.
In accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, any disabled persons working for the lab will be given a ten minute head start.
Good Luck.
Gene "Sooner" Levy
To: LPL Everybody
From: Dr. Michael J. Drake, Head and Director
Re: Employment Opportunities
In keeping with my desire to help former graduate students obtain post-LPL employment, I have generated a number of initiatives. These initiatives include the necessity for planetary scientists to recognize the interdisciplinary nature of our field and to entertain the realities of possible rewarding careers outside of geochemistry and related subjects.
In line with this program, I will be conducting a new for-credit offering which will allow our graduate students to enhance their employment opportunities and keep them informed viz. new developments in this rapidly changing, exciting area. The class, PTYS 505D (Frontiers in Post-graduate Experiences), will stress practical matters such as proposal writing, presentation skills, laser pointer use and communication skills.
Given the difficulties in obtaining funding in our field, however, there is no reason to wait for fall semester to begin disseminating useful information. An exciting summer opportunity has come to my attention which could be valuable not only for graduate students, but post-doctoral employees and non-tenured faculty as well. A local company has announced openings for qualified individuals. Joan has been of invaluable assistance in preparing the attached Announcement of Opportunity (AO).
I urge you all to take advantage of any opportunity that presents itself in these times of change in research science. Therefore consider the enclosed carefully and return the completed form to Joan at your earliest convenience.
Love,
My Higness, High Lord Drake, Keeper of the Chalice of Vindaloo.
To: LPL Everybody
From: Mike
Re: New Personnel
In preparing for the directorship position, it has come to my attention that LPL has single-handedly produced over 35% of all planetary science PhD's. This is a feat of which the department can be singularly proud, but it has seemingly had some unforseen effects.
Given the current overabundance of truly skilled planetary professionals compared to the number of positions available in geochemistry and related fields, an alliance of planetary science departments has begun an embargo of LPL graduates. While we recognize the right of these departments to hire less-qualified Caltech and Washington University students to keep them off the streets, we see no reason that superbly-trained-and-educated persons should be discriminated against simply because we have produced 13,017 PhD's in the last 20 years.
Therefore, we have no choice but to offer employment to some of our former graduate students here at LPL. I personally obtained funding for these positions by beating the pants off of William Hartmann at poker. While these upstanding young investigators deserve their own offices, there is no room in the new or old buildings for them. Of course, we cannot ask these distinguished doctors to share offices with current graduate students. Thus, we will be asking all faculty who do not share an office to help house these would-be-Urey-Prize-winners for a short time interval (geologically speaking). We have already been approved funding for the new addition to LPL, and construction will begin on 10 April. The air handler will be out until 1997.
Thank you for your support and understanding. Our reunion will begin over the next several days. Please check your door to see who your new officemate is.
To: Everyone
From: Gene
Re: me
I just want you all to know I'm still in the building.
-Dean Levy